The Carol and Michael Hearons Family Advocacy Program

Carol and Mike's Place

Chapter Ten

July 12, 2015

Dear Readers,

I have tried to always be uplifting in my comments about my experiences as a caregiver, and I hope I can pull that off as I delve into the death of a loved one, the pain that this death inflicts on those left behind, and the clear challenge to think positively at a very negative time in one's life!

I sincerely hope that every one of you will not have need of these reflections as you give care to that special someone in your life who is battling cancer, and that you all will have wonderful outcomes. But stats are stats, and some of you may benefit from my insights gained from the passing of my wife, Carol Ann Hearons, some eight months ago in Michigan.

First of all, if tragedy strikes and your patient slips away on you, gather your family and friends around you to help you through it. Carol's side of the family and her close friends were an invaluable link with reality for me when Carol lost her struggle with small-cell lung cancer and was gone. I told you in an earlier blog how her people came together to stage a fantastic memorial for her, which helped me immensely. The event turned into a celebration of life, which did me tremendous good. It chronicled the life and times of Carol Ann (Esser) Hearons, and made me extraordinarily grateful for a relationship that began in the summer of 1958 and defined me for well over half a century.

The love and attention of family and friends also helped me cope with the shock of suddenly being alone. Left to my own devices, I might still be wandering around in the house that Carol and I had shared for 45 years, stumbling from room to room and calling out her name! Yeah, I was a wreck. And my first instinct was to get her back!

(I'm still working on that, truth be told, but in a much calmer frame of mind. Right after she died, I remembered that she had been confirmed (at age 12?) in the Catholic Church, and in my loneliness I figured I could get confirmed, too, to facilitate finding her in the hereafter. We are talking desperation here, folks! I later recalled that she had distanced herself from the Catholic Church after the huge scandal involving legions of pedophile priests. It occurred to me, as my fog lifted, that getting closer to a religion she had pretty much rejected was not the way to find her again!)

My second rule of thumb, if you lose the person you're caring for, is to find something else to do — and quickly. As it happened, I didn't find something to do — it found me. As I've mentioned to you, I have been acting as caregiver to my sister, Rawbaw, in Wisconsin since last December, and the all-consuming role has been great therapy for me. In a nutshell, I have precious little time to feel sorry for myself! I feel that I am recovering at a good pace from a severe emotional blow, and growing into an understanding of life and death that will keep me balanced.

Third, hokey as it may sound, I tell myself that today is the first day of the rest of my life. I find this simple truth to be quite invigorating! I plan to do a lot of worthwhile and enjoyable things that I never got around to doing before. Take piano lessons. Learn first aid. Explore a foreign language. Join a gym. Do good works (such as teaching people how to read). In short, I plan to live my remaining life to the fullest, and shoot for the 100-year mark that I established for myself when I was just a kid. (That gives me 23 more years of discovering new interests and making myself useful!)

Fourth, I talk to God a lot. I've always been a religious primitive, avoiding organized religion but giving thanks to my Maker for all the breaks I've gotten in life. I often acknowledge to Him that I have had an embarrassment of riches.

I hope these ideas will help you if you lose someone who's at the center of your life. They've helped me immensely.

If you lose a spouse to cancer, which can be the hardest hit of all, by all means, give yourself time to grieve, but also find it in yourself to thank God for what you've had and to thank Him for the marriage that so greatly enriched your life. After the initial shock of your spouse's death subsides — and it will — plan your life's path from that day forward.

For one thing, you can get your head around your finances, which will now be those of a single person. Being in this boat, myself, I find that I have a sense of new adventure, because I'm now the only one spending my money!

Yes, life goes on, and life is for the living, including the person in your care. I am extremely happy for every one of you whose patient is winning his or her battle with cancer.

But here are a couple more caveats for you, the caregiver.

Don't ignore your own health while attending to someone else's. When Carol was diagnosed with small-cell lung cancer in late 2013, I got so absorbed in her plight that I neglected my own “upkeep,” and I just about stopped seeing my own doctors all together. (I am still somewhat remiss, having gone almost two years without going to my general practitioner or dentist — but I keep telling myself I will be back in Michigan soon to attend to all that.)

Lastly, I know that caregiving can be all-consuming, but try not to burden your extended family and closest friends with all the details. The average person, whether related to you or not, does not need the “overknow,” and may sometimes tune you out while nodding sympathetically but thinking, “Hey, you've got your problems — I've got mine!” These are good people, too. But the simple fact is they are playing the cards that life has dealt out to them, and you are playing yours.

There is a distinctly positive element to not talking exclusively about your day as caregiver. If you avoid dwelling on things like medications and complications, you might start gabbing about politics, world events, sports, or any number of other topics that can spark a lively conversation for all participants, and this can be a break for you, too. Try it, you'll like it!

—Michael E. Hearons


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